Hey everyone, gather ’round—it’s Storytime with Donald Trump!
Once upon a time, in a land of golden toilets and hairspray fumes, Donald Trump found himself in a pickle. No matter how many nicknames he hurled, ALL-CAPS Truths he posted, or lawsuits he filed against the Wall Street Journal, people just wouldn’t stop talking about his very special friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
So, what’s a wannabe dictator to do when the Epstein spotlight won’t dim? Distract, deflect, and drop a conspiracy so wild it makes QAnon look like a PBS documentary.
Enter: “OBAMA COMMITTED TREASON!”
Now, let’s imagine the high-stakes strategy session between Trump and one of his dedicated ass kissers and unqualified head of intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard:
DJT: “Gabby, we’ve got a PROBLEM. These peasants won’t stop yapping about Epstein! We need a scandal so huge, so explosive, it’ll make Watergate look like a parking ticket!”
Tulsi: “Well, we could always dust off the old ‘Lock up Hillary’ playbook?”
DJT: “BORING. We need FRESH MEAT. What about Obama? That guy’s still more popular than me, and honestly, it bugs me. I want to wipe that smug, Muslim, grin right off his face!”
Tulsi: “Hmm… what if we creatively reinterpret some old intelligence reports? Spin it just right, and we could even accuse him of…….wait for it…treason!!”
DJT: “TULSI, YOU BRILLIANT BEAUTIFUL GENIUS! Get the reports, Fox News on speed dial, and oh! let’s deepfake Obama in an orange jumpsuit. This is gonna be YUGE!”
Meanwhile, in reality…
The Russia investigation has been dissected more thoroughly and more often than just about anything in history. Senate probes, congressional hearings, Mueller reports, this thing has been autopsied, embalmed, and buried six feet under.
Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA) summed it up nicely: “This is just the Director of National Intelligence trying to cook the books.”
The verdict? This is a glorified political magic trick; a sleight of hand to make the Epstein questions disappear. Spoiler alert: Obama isn’t going to jail, his legacy isn’t crumbling, and the only treason here is against common sense.
Thanks, Tulsi.